Lately, it feels like I can’t find time for what is important to me. In truth, I lack the patience to find out what is important to me. I allow myself to be distracted by every little thing because then I don’t have to face the real issue, my inaction.
I fail to act on what I have decided to be important for me, not because I don’t know what to do, but because I am afraid. I am afraid that I have nothing to give, that all my work and effort are wasted on something that has no value.
How do I have the audacity to think that I can come up with a better solution than the people facing the problem? I don’t know better, but looking at problems from the outside provides a big enough perspective for me to notice things that are invisible to the person too close to the problem.
I want, no, I need to provide value with everything that I do, but I am not sure that the way I choose to go about it brings the best results. The one thing that is clear to me about the work I started is, I don’t ever want to give it up, I never want to stop doing it.
As long as I don’t give up, it means that I am winning and that what I do is necessary, for me, and for the other people benefiting from it. My all goes into this even when I don’t want to do it, or when my ideas start repeating themselves. This activity I choose to make part of my life, has become the only one I recognize as truly mine.
What do you want? What are you doing? I struggle with this kind of question every day. My answers change over time, which is expected because I am also changing. But still, I haven’t yet found an answer that I can hold on to.
I want to believe that all my decisions until this moment had a purpose and that I have not lived only to be swept high and low by the tide. There are moments when this belief is hard to maintain. To distract me from the distractions, I used to turn to my work but lately is not that effective.
The only thing that still feels right is, putting words on the page. They don’t look too pretty, but they force me to analyze my thoughts and sort them out. By doing this, I manage to calm down long enough to decide on the next couple of steps I need to take.
I’m still not clear on what I want or where I’m going, but it’s better than trying to move forward in complete darkness. I fantasize about making plans that I am able to follow, plans that can lead me to where I’m meant to be.
For now, I’m forced to work with what is available, and with this, I need to obtain the best results possible. I am always responsible for where I end up, even if where I started is not ideal. Starting late on a path is no reason to quit before giving it my all. All I have to pull me forward is my faith in a future I don’t see and my ability to work for it. This is enough for now.
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