Looking for solutions

The last few days were strange. I had planned them out to be productive, but when it came to doing, I just did nothing. I like to think that I have some idea about what my purpose in life might be. In my own clumsy way, I am trying to pursue it, even when it’s a lot harder than I want it to be.

This week, it seems my willingness to work is gone, and all that I’m able to do is close myself inside a cocoon of self pity and laziness. Wallowing in my own regrets, and overthinking about my missteps is now my preferred activity. I am well aware that what I’m doing will not bring me any benefit, but this does nothing to stop what I’m feeling.

My work is starting to suffer, and I have no patience for the things I need to do. What if I lied to myself, and I have no idea about what I should go after in life? What if all I did until now was only to stroke my ego? These kinds of questions pop into my mind constantly and I don’t always have the strength to provide the right answers.

I am all about purpose, and as long as I’m breathing, I will pursue what feels right for me. I will not be right every time, but as long as I’m getting closer to being the person I’m meant to be, my efforts will not be wasted. I need to snap out of my current state and start moving again. My dreams are calling for me.

From a young age, I realized that I’m able to solve problems faster than other people. It’s not that I’m smarter than everyone else, but I love the feeling  I get when I manage to find a solution. It doesn’t even need to be the best solution. All the fun is in trying new things until something clicks, and everything becomes easy to understand, thus, easy to solve.

Activities that force me to use my mind can always put a smile on my face, even when they’re so exhausting that I can’t keep my eyes open. Solving problems feels like a sport for my mind, because, for me, it gives the same satisfaction.

I might be already tired, but if I need to focus on finding a solution for something that is important to me, adrenaline kicks in, and I become as active as I need to be to do my best work. This does not mean that I can always find a solution, but I am able to sit with a problem for as long as it’s necessary for the solution to make itself known to me.

If it doesn’t show itself before my patience runs out, I will ask for help. My stubbornness might stop me from asking for help sooner, but at the same time, is the one thing that keeps me digging for a solution long after all others have given up.

My way of doing things is not perfect, and I still need to learn when is the time to let go of searching for a solution, because, in certain situations, the benefit of finding it is less than the cost of the time invested in the pursuit of it. I will always love solving problems, so I just need to refine the process.