A loud voice is shouting inside my head, but I don’t seem to understand what is telling me. I hear it, I hear the words, but they do not move me.
This is the same voice I used to trust just a little time ago. What happened? What changed? I must learn to trust it again. It reminds me of who I am and in these moments of confusion I need to remember who I am.
I struggle to find steady ground and keep my balance, but maybe I am the one stopping me from getting out of this hole I have put myself in.
My thoughts and actions haven’t agreed with each other for some time now. For me to make any progress I must put my thoughts and my actions on the same line. The question is, how do I do that.
The first answer that comes to my mind is to start moving. It’s been the same answer for a long time but doing is not as easy as saying.
Every day I am set on taking steps in the right direction, in my mind that is. In real life, these steps are hard to make. I act like a little child who can barely stand but wants to run. For me to make anything I need to put one foot in front of each other. With each step I take, my strength comes back, my mind becomes clearer.
I put word after word on paper. Thank God the words are still coming. These words are what keep the old me from coming back and dragging the one I am now into the darkness. I believe what keeps me writing is my fear. I fear what I might think about myself if I stop getting things out of my mind and onto paper.
By now my blood and sweat are mixed with the words I lay on every row. My suffering and my fears have crawled in every corner of this would be story. I have started with a thread and ended up with hundreds. It is my job to weave them again into a single thread.
I will start by tying the loose ends. I must connect it all. My friends must have the lives they deserve, and I have the power to provide that for them. There’s no character in this story, there are only friends. I came to know each of them in detail. Some of them I like, some of them I love, and some of them I despise, but all of them I understand.
They are only human. So, they make mistakes, they learn or not, they love and they hate. The world is a result of every person playing their part. No single man or woman bears responsibility for the way the world turned out, but every man or woman must do the best they can for the world to be better.
I believe that my part is to use my words to open people’s eyes, to speak to their hearts and their minds. I’ll do this for as long as the words will keep coming, even when each one cuts me open. It might be better this way because it means my words have some weight.
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