My time doesn’t seem to be mine anymore. Everyone and everything wants a piece of it. There is none left for me to do with it what I please. It’s not always like this, but it happens often enough for me to use it as an excuse. Every time I fail to do the things I should be doing, I can say that I have no time.
When I am committed to something, I can always find a pocket of time. This means I have control over some of my time, but I don’t want to admit it when I fail to use my time for what matters to me. I have noticed that the more I manage to use time for what is important to me, the more time I can add to those activities day by day.
There will never be enough time for everything I want to do, but there will always be enough time to tend to what matters. I have no idea when, or even if, all the pieces that I’m putting together will form something important, but I have no choice except to do it until it is done, or until I am done.
I am grateful that I found something that can almost create time for me because that is how I feel every time I put my pen on paper. While I let my words flow onto the page, everything else fades away, it fails to exist until I am finished.
Once it is done, I can then step back into reality, but now I am changed, and everything seems different. In truth, I am the one that’s different.
Passing through each day requires more effort than it should. I am now in survival mode and all I do is to the end of the day faster. Running towards sleep or the weekend doesn’t seem the right way to go, but I see no other.
It feels as if there is no more time left for me to enjoy things. I jump from one task to another, trying to finish them, only to find myself in the same place, with yet another task in my life.
I have no problem with doing the work, but I need some time to recover, to enjoy the benefits of my work. Right now all my time is filled with work and fears, and this is taking its toll on me. I don’t want to complain, but I need to let the pressure out, to stop myself from bursting open.
I will do the work today, tomorrow, and for all the days to come, with the hope that I will be allowed to enjoy the results of what I do.
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