I can’t seem to find a way to put myself out of the situation I find myself in. I have pushed against every door that I could find, but none of them wants to open. I know that I have all that is needed to outgrow my constraints, and I’m probably already doing it, but my patience is long gone.
All I manage to do lately is to avoid things that I shouldn’t, which creates more anxiety in my mind. I have always seen myself as a person that does the best he can, in any situation. It does not mean it is the best possible action, it only means I did the best to my knowledge and my abilities allowed.
Me not being able to move out from this place I’m stuck in has changed the way I approach things. I only want to survive until the day is over so that I can focus on what matters to me. What options do I have when the same thing that drains my energy, day by day, is the same thing that allows me to provide for my family?
I believe myself capable to learn how to do anything, but at this moment, it feels like all I know how to do is complain. As long as I don’t take action to move forward, maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to complain. It’s wasting the little energy I have left.
I am confident that I can find an exit from this malign illusion, and step into the kind of life that I can feel calling for me. I can’t be certain that the path I’m looking for is going to be all that I want, but I’m certain that it will be all that I need.
Some things, I just don’t find a reason to do. This creates a lot of pressure in my mind because I have to do them. Usually, I am good at taking ownership of what I have to do, but for some time now, my job has become something that I can’t wait to finish. My attention goes to the things that bring me value as a person when it should stay on the tasks that I have to do for my job.
What I do for work should have other benefits besides the pay, benefits for my personal development. Here is where it falls short. I feel like I’m no longer growing, and this is affecting the level of energy that I’m willing to give to my job.
The strange thing is that no matter how relaxed my work schedule is, I finish the day with no energy left for the things that matter to me. My creativity is also at an all time low. I suspect this happens because my mind is trying to escape a situation that seems to have no exit.
The state that we find ourselves in is not fear for me and is not fear for the people I work with, but there must be something we can do to change it.
My escape is in the time I write. I must keep enough energy to do this because it always gives me more than it takes. Writing is what keeps me afloat, and it allows me to still grow. This is why it takes perseverance over everything else in my life. I hope it will always be this way.
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