Invested in the process

I am chasing something that I don’t know if I’m ever going to reach, but I can’t live any other way.

The way I go about life is the result of all my previous experiences and how they were transformed by my inner thought process. It goes the same for everyone else, but  I think many of us are not aware that we play a part in how we see the world in front of our eyes.

I wasn’t a young man anymore when I came to understand that I am the deciding factor on what’s happening to me. Since this realization, I have set upon a path that will take me to my dreams.

The image of the places I need to reach that my mind has painted is clear for me, more clear now than it has ever been before. It is calling me each day, but it asks from me more than I have to give. I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes to become the person that is living my dreams.

Until now, I have used several ways to numb my feelings, to dampen their call, to cover the image, but, in truth, I was never able to silence it completely. I am grateful for not succeeding because it would’ve been my biggest mistake.

Starting again on this path I have tried to move away from feels like coming home. It has silenced all the voices in my mind, and every part of my being is moving in sync, in the same direction. I am still frightened of what may come up in my way, but I am confident that I have all that is needed to reach my destination.

How do I start something that I know nothing about? This is a question I’ve been struggling with, lately. The short answer is: it does not matter, as long as I start. But once I start debating the subject in my mind, just starting is no longer an option.

Now I need to research every aspect of what I’m trying to do, and, of course, I need to be as knowledgeable as the experts, only to make the first step. And what if after a few hours of study I’m not as good as the expert that worked on this for years? Then, I should probably quit altogether.

No, quitting should never be an option. This does not mean I will never fail, but as long as I put all that I am in the pursuit of what I’m trying to achieve, failure only means I need to correct course.

Life has thought me that as long as I’m running after the reward, without paying attention to how I obtain it, I will not be able to enjoy it. So now, I try to put all that I am in the service of what I want to accomplish. Now, the only person I want to outwork is myself.

My secret is that I am invested in the process as much as I am invested in the end result. So, even if I fail along the way, I know it is not the end. I can always try again, use all I’ve learned, and just start.