Inner work

I have been living in a strange loop lately. All that I do is familiar, though I don’t like it. Most days are filled with work that I don’t always want to do, and when I have some time to do things for myself, I have no more energy left. All I want to do is spend time with my wife, just being, with no plan at all.

I can’t really do things like that because I have responsibilities that I can’t run from. Things I said I will do need to be done. I must be aware of this even when I don’t want to. Finishing all that I start is an important part of who I am and I need to prove that I can keep the promises I make to myself.

I want to do what is right, but it asks too much of me. I want to do right by the people who depend on me, but it drains my energy.

Concentrating on my work takes the pressure away, but only to replace it with anxiety. I am trapped in a situation I want to escape from, but the only way out is through. No amount of worrying or wishing will change things. I am here, and I must work my way out.

My inability to change my situation makes me question all that I thought I knew about myself. Maybe I am not the person I saw myself to be. I have to keep doing what I know. I have to move forward and hope that it will be enough to escape from what is holding me back.

Mornings are difficult because I like to sleep. These days even more so because all I want to do is sleep. The things I must do don’t stop only because I need a break. So, I need to muster some of the will I have left and get to work. The will I have is limited though.

I’m trying to take ownership of all my responsibilities, but it’s not that easy when I don’t want to do anything. Maybe I’m trying to do the wrong things, and this is draining my energy, but I have no idea what should be changed.

My mind is tired from all the fighting that takes place inside, but at the same time, it got accustomed to this way of being. So, now, when I’m searching for an exit, change is frightening.

I seem to be stuck in a loop that I helped create, and the only way to fix things is to allow myself a different choice. My new choice will not necessarily be better, but it’s something that I need to try, otherwise, I’ll always be thinking about it.

Something new implies a risk when compared to what is known. This does not mean that what is known is necessarily better, I only got used to it. I have decided that change has a better price than being in a place that limits everything about me. Who I am is always evolving, and there is no way to evolve without change.