I don’t know what to write this morning, which is strange because last evening I had a lot of ideas. I’ll write about peace of mind. It’s a state I’ve chased lately. Day after day I try to find a bit of time just to be with myself. Having to take from the time I spend with my wife makes me feel guilty.
I am split between doing the work and being there for my family and for anyone else that needs me. I am aware this life is my own and I should do all I can to make it better, but at times it’s hard to do the right thing.
All I’ve managed so far is to promise I’ll stop running or at least try. I understand that I can’t run from myself, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. I pray for discipline each day so I can finish what I’ve started and follow the path I’ve been called upon.
I am tired of it all. I am tired of being stuck in the same place. I am tired of doing things for others. I am tired of the confusion. In my mind I am also stuck, trying to move past the point where I find excuses to turn back.
Each day I promise I will do all things necessary to succeed or, at least, make progress. By evening I manage to avoid them all. I must become as good at doing things as I am at avoiding them.
I feel empty of energy and my drive is almost non-existent. The plans I make are a way to trick myself into believing I am a disciplined man. I am only afraid I might not be any good or even crazy for thinking I can do this.
My thoughts become sharper once they reach the page, and the stress on my mind lightens. For this benefit only, and I should set my words free. They might do for others what they do for me.
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