Doubts are all around

I seem to have run out of thoughts. Never happened to me before. It’s not that I don’t have any, but they are shallow and unoriginal.

For a while now, I’ve been keeping a record of what I’m thinking. This allows me to better connect with the person I am, to better understand my reasons, and make better decisions. At the same time, having a history of my thoughts proves if I am indeed repeating or reusing ideas.

The purpose for my writing was, and is, to give shape to unspoken thoughts. To let people know that they are not alone in the way they feel, that they are understood.

I admit that I don’t always act according to this purpose. Many times, what reaches the page are fear, anxiety, doubts, confusion. I want to provide support for people, but all that I’m able to do is to use this page as support for myself.

In a way, opening up to the page gives me a chance to connect with the person reading this, and share the same feelings. This means that I act in accordance with my purpose, even when my words come out from feelings I try to run from.

Running from my feelings is not possible, but I get a sense of control when I turn them into words. By doing this, I’m able to enjoy, or at least understand them. This is enough for me to regain balance. 

Doubts are all around. I do my best to avoid them, but I do not always succeed. It’s even harder when I have no real evidence that I’m getting closer to the dream I’m pursuing. All I have is the belief I hold in my soul, and I don’t even know if I’m right.

When I started this, I was only playing. Now, it has become serious. It has become something I can’t live without. Day by day I try to share my time between being with my family and jotting down my thoughts. No matter what I choose, I feel guilty because I take time from the other. I need to find a way to make them work together.

As, I presume, it happens with many people, there’s not only one voice inside my mind. Not all of them agree with the path I’m trying to follow, and they are extremely vocal about it. My will helps to keep them in check for a while, but when I’m tired, I can no longer silence the ones that try to break me down.

They bring up valid arguments for why I can never succeed in this life I have chosen, and they plant seeds of doubt in my mind. For now, my soul is still strong enough to pull me through the times when my mind wants to give up.

My soul knows what is best for me, and it’s trying to guide me along the way. It’s at peace with the choices I have made. All I need to do is to convince my mind to trust me. The one way I know to do that is to keep working until doubts become arguments for my progress. I hope I am strong enough to do this.