Some things I do create anxiety in my mind. It happens with the things that I want to do. I suppose it happens because I have no idea what those things will evolve into, I have no control over where they will take me.
My life has taught me that I never have control over what is going on in the world, but that I can gain control over what is going on inside my head.
When I feel anxious, it feels like I have no control over my mind, but then I realize that my state is a result of my insecurities. I am concerned with how the outcome of my actions will be judged, and this causes me to worry. These worries have no real weight. They are only a figment of my imagination. They live only in my mind and only if I allow it.
I have decided that for as long as my actions are in line with my values, with who I am as a person, I am at peace with any outcome. This way I am free of any pressure, and I can focus on what I need to be doing, rather than on how what I’m doing will be received.
My anxiety is always at the door, waiting to enter my mind. As long as I don’t invite it in, I will be fine, but I’m not always strong enough to keep it out. When it manages to step in, I remind myself that I am the only one who needs to make peace with my work. The world will accept it, or not, and that is fine with me.
I am lost in my own mind right now. I have entered so deep that I find it difficult to reconnect with the world.
Most days, thoughts flood my mind and there is nothing to control the flow. For me not to go mad, I, either, ignore most of them, or I’m not even aware of what’s happening.
When I find the courage to explore what I’m thinking, it feels like I’ve entered a maze, and with every step I take, I move further away from the exit. As I am drawn deeper and deeper, with every new layer I discover, I am pulled towards things I don’t understand.
The worlds living in my mind have nothing to do with what my eyes see when I’m awake, but for me, they are just as real. When it’s not frightening, walking these new paths inside my mind, teaches me a lot about who I am, and they help me understand what I need.
Wandering these worlds for too long is not always good because I get lost in my own thoughts, and the real world losses its appeal. Not all my thoughts are based on something real, and not all my thoughts are good for me. This is when I start to be afraid of my own mind.
Until now, I have managed not to get trapped, though sometimes is hard to return to a world that I can’t reshape, the real world. By the time I find my way out, my energy is gone and I’m forced to make peace with what I’ve found inside. It is the only way for me to embrace life again.
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