Some days I wonder if anything I say or write has any value. I’d like to believe so, but the truth is I don’t know. When these kinds of thoughts come into my mind I try to remember why I do it in the first place. The answer I first get is that I do it to help people.
The real answer is that I do it first for me, it helps me to better cope with life. So even if the only people that read my words are me and my wife, I need to keep going because it provides access to parts of my being that I would not be aware of any other way.
The world changes every moment, but it seems that nothing changes around me. My days seem to be the same, and the same thoughts keep popping up in my mind. I’ve started questioning if anything that I write can help people, but for now, I need to be content with it helping me.
None of my thoughts seem reliable, and this creates tension in my mind. Tension that I release by putting words on the page. Writing also helps me sort them out, and choose the ones to give energy to.
If I don’t do this, a fight begins inside my head. A fight for my attention and my energy. If I don’t decide quickly, I end up tired and confused. Every time I empty my mind on the page, everything becomes easier, lighter. This allows me to take on the rest of the day with a different attitude, and with a newfound balance.
I feel things I can’t find a reason for. My mind is filled with many things, saying different things. They lack coherence. I have always considered that I can use the way I feel as a guide, but I don’t know anymore. It seems that recently, my emotions are not to be trusted, and this shakes the foundations of who I am.
My identity is not as definitive as I thought it to be, and it frightens me. Right now, I still keep in my mind an image of who I believe myself to be, but I don’t know if it’s based on the truth. This emotional confusion has created inside of me an emptiness that I try to fill with wants and desires. It only works for a short time, and I’m left just as empty afterward.
My interpretation of life is changing, and it’s not in a way that adds value to my experience, or the experiences of others. I have decided to become a man of value, but I don’t know if I have any value to bring into the world.
All that I have are my thoughts and the words I paint them with. I hope the images are clear enough to help people find value in their own lives, and also reassure them that, whatever they are going through, they are not alone.
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