Nothing is fine

Due to the nature of my life and the way things are in the world, there is not much time left for myself. This confines my mind to known thoughts. Thoughts that need little energy to pop up. I have noticed that when my mind has some time with no task to complete, it becomes creative, and I get to revisit what is important to me. My creativity is connected to my imagination. My imagination is more active when my energy is not drained by work tasks.

I need to trust my thoughts, and in order to do so, I need them to fuel and be fueled by imagination. All that I see, all that I am, and all that I live, get mixed together into something useful. It happens only if my imagination goes to work.

Daydreaming is something that I enjoy, but after a full day of work, my thoughts don’t fully disconnect from the repetitive and uninteresting tasks I had to do all day. It’s like work is invading those parts of life it has no right to affect. I do my best to keep them separated, but lately, it became harder to do. Maybe because the loop I am in has grown smaller and smaller.

I am disconnected from many things that, I feel, are important to me, and I’m running out of ways to trick myself that all is fine. Nothing is fine, but I don’t know how to change things. I keep running after moments of peace, in the hope they will replenish my energy, only to discover that they are quick to disappear.

The only choice left for me by now is to trust myself, the journey I am on, and move forward at the pace I’m able to. What I’m looking for might not come into my life tomorrow, but as long as I move towards it, I am constantly getting closer. For now, it will have to do, even if I don’t know how much time I’ve got left.