I long for time

I long for time. Time that is not yet allocated for anything. I want to learn to enjoy every moment again, but for now, it seems all I can do is run from one weekend to another, trying to survive each day.

I have strayed from my path and let the exterior world mess up my internal compass, and now I am going in circles with no clue on how to break free. I lack progress in any direction and life doesn’t happen without progress. I look back on myself and I see the state I am in. I can identify the place I’m in, and the way it limits me, but I don’t see a way out or a new destination.

I must see past all that is here now, hindering my growth and progress. I need to paint a picture of how everything will look once I manage to move on.

All that I know seems insufficient to push me forward. I have been in the same place for longer than I can stand it.  My thoughts have become monotonous, and I fear that what I have to say it’s going to dry out. I will still write because it is all that I have left, that feels right.

Doing things that I don’t want to do, and interacting with people that I don’t want to see, becomes tiring. I am starting to feel tired. I am grateful for every aspect of my life, but I need time to enjoy it.

I am lost in a way of doing things that I don’t agree with, but right now, I see no other way to do things. Or maybe the ways that I see seem impossible out of fear.

It is clear to me that a change is needed, and I have faith that a change is coming, and I want this to happen. What if the change is not what I need, or what if I’m not patient enough to get what I want? Confusion has entered my mind, and together with fear, they make it harder for me to trust myself.

I used to believe that I am the only one living inside my head, but I am becoming aware that there are things lurking in the shadows. For now, we observe each other, trying to understand who’s who, but soon enough something’s going to make a move. I need to be ready when that happens, or at least strong enough.