Some days I don’t feel like doing anything, but this is not a choice for me. My will is the only thing keeping me moving in those days. I don’t know why it happens, but it’s not doing me any good. I move through the day only because I have to, and by the end of it I am tired even when I don’t do much.
This happens because I am trying to fight against the way I feel. Giving in the way I feel might not be a good idea in this case, but I need to understand what makes me feel this way. Maybe I am exhausted by all the fighting taking place in my mind. I don’t have a solution for bringing peace to my thoughts, at least, not one that can work every time.
The pressure I put on myself with the intent to push me past my limits, has now accumulated, and it’s working against me. I am trying to be good to myself, and accept that I am only human. There is no way that I can do everything, but this doesn’t stop me from trying.
At times, I am my greatest supporter, and things seem easier. Some other times, I am my worst enemy, and all I do is look for ways to fail. Every time I try to choose the half full side of the glass, but sometimes I end up with the empty half. Life will always present both halves. It is up to each of us what we choose.
Who I am is no longer clear to me. I am still moving forward, but I keep stumbling every two or three steps. There must be an easier way, but for the moment, I am not able to see it, and this makes me feel like I know nothing. To keep my balance, I cling to pieces of work that I did right. They are proof that I can still do something good.
It is not possible to avoid life, but this does not stop me from trying. There are moments when I just want to turn my back on the world and be still for a while. After spending all this time under pressure, my mind is no longer able to disconnect from work and go to the next thing I want to do. It has developed a bad habit of carrying everything around.
The side effects of this behavior are starting to show because there’s only so much stress my mind can carry. The progress I still make has its price. I take the energy from one thing to work on another, and I end up with two half done elements.
There is a lot of work laid in front of me, and if I am to have any chance to finish it, I must find my lost strength and perseverance. I will only stop when everything I am now working on is done, and only for a short time before I start on something new.
My main purpose is to learn from all that I do. As long as this happens, I can accept that things don’t always go as designed or according to my timeline.
If something you read helped, please consider donating