As darkness falls, I must come to terms with who I am, even if this is not clear enough for me. I always believed myself to be a strong person, with a strong mind. The way my life went over the last year makes me question this belief.
Is it wrong that I want to remove myself from a situation that is harming my mind? I don’t want to hurt others with my decision, but right now this is the way for me to regain some balance. Truth is, it’s been a year since thoughts of leaving made their way into my mind. I have pushed myself as far as I can go before losing parts of me that I can’t get back.
Nothing from the treatment I was subject to justifies my loyalty, but I am loyal to the people I’ve worked with. My intention is not to make things worse for them, but I need to choose myself this time. I am accepting that I am not able to do right by everyone, that is why I need to do right by myself.
Before being able to help someone, I must first help myself.
Today, I feel like myself and it’s been a long time since I felt so. This is not to say I am not worried about everything happening around me, but I have more stability. I feel I can take on the world, and be alright. I am certain that my future will be good and I know my present is extraordinary, but this doesn’t stop me from making scenarios that drain my energy, scenarios that might never become real.
Each day comes with the promise of a new slate, but why am I not able to write a new story? I want to write my own story and stop playing parts in other people’s stories. This is the only way I can be of use to myself and anyone else.
I feel something new entering my life. I don’t know what it is, but I am certain it is good. This is a state I find myself in, for some months now, and my reality is trying to convince me I’m wrong. I can’t deny the way I feel, and what I feel are love and trust.
I admit that my faith is much stronger than my patience is, but I can’t dismiss what I know to be true in my soul only because it has not yet become real. I must hold on to what I feel inside and move forward knowing that everything I need is already here and all I must do is trust I will find it in due time.
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