Some days are better than others, but the pain is there. I try to cover it up by doing more than I should be able to. This way, there is not much time for me to dive into the swamps of my mind.
I keep myself busy so that my mind won’t take full control. For now, it works, but when my defense weakens and the gates open, all that I have fought to keep in check rushes forward.
On days like today I just want to run. No target, no purpose, just run.
I can’t run from what is inside of me though. I can’t run from myself. I’ll have to make peace with whatever comes, either outside or inside. I can’t run from who I am forever. Knowing this doesn’t stop me from trying. For the first time in my life, I am turning away from the truth.
I am stuck in this moment that seems to stretch for a long time. I plan to break out of it. I plan my next steps and then I fail to act.
Being disciplined used to be easy for me. Now it’s like I don’t even know the meaning of the word. I must learn to be true to myself again. I must do it soon if I am to have any chance of finishing what I have started.
Running away never proved an answer. What I run from always catches up with me. I have learned to face all that comes my way. It is the fastest to put it behind you.
The best teacher there is, is life. Let it bring whatever but be ready to leave at every moment.
You will have moments when turning back and running away will seem to be a solution. It is not. You need courage to become the person you need to become. It is hard work to give up pieces of you every day. You can get better only by chipping away at the stone block you are now, to uncover the sculpture you can become.
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