So much noise

So much noise. I can’t hear anything clearly. I am acting on half-thoughts and filling the blanks with what feels right. At this moment, nothing feels right.

I imagine myself running from what keeps me locked in place, but all the running brings me back to where I started from. I can’t run from anything, though I would like to. The only way I can move from this place that is draining the life out of me is to do what is needed from me.

Moving forward is scary also, but I’m left deciding what scares me the most, being in the same place or meeting what tomorrow brings. I’ll take what tomorrow brings and hope is better than today. If not, I’ll find a way to make it better.

As I am chasing my own tail the world is moving on. All plans I’ve made in my mind are not important anymore. I am forced to work with what comes my way. It’s not always an easy task, especially when the darkness inside is trying to grow.

I keep my mind from going into thoughts frenzy. I am tired from all the versions of events I played in my head. There is no more time for “what ifs”. Now it is time to act, even I don’t feel prepared. I’ll have to figure all out as I go. That has to be good enough.

I need to get rid of all the nonsense in my life, but I don’t know where to start. I want to do so many things. A lot more than I physically can. It feels unfair.

As I already found out, my feelings are unimportant to the way the world works. I am left with only one choice, adapting to the situation. I’ll put my energy in two or three things and give up all others. It’s not an easy task, but if I want to make some progress it’s the way I have to go about it.

The world will teach me what I need to be taught, but I need to keep some sense of control. Even if the control I have exists only in my mind.